


hey grandma

by steelgayrun



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 17:12:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18627640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelgayrun/pseuds/steelgayrun
Summary: hows it hanging?





	hey grandma

Its the 15th of December, and your Grandma who smells like (-cat) piss invited you over for some Christmas celebrations this year. She wrapped some christmas lights outside her camper van's exhaust pipe, but outwardly, her quaint household didn't look very different to how it usually did. You knocked on the front door, hoping that she wasn't too busy to hear you.  
You knocked a few more times.  
"YEH???"  
"It's me, the Scout. I'm the scout! Hehey yeah!"  
"Piss off you mongrel weasel, its sparrowfart. It's like... It's 5 in the fucking morning!  
I love you kid, but come back later. I haven't even made biccies yet."  
It was, indeed, 5 in the morning. You guess your grandma hadn't had her morning cup of piss yet. It's cool, she kinda lives on that stuff. You let it slide.  
"Alright grandma I'll catch you later! And away I go wanananananana."  
A few seconds passed.  
"Hey grandma?"  
A muffled groan came from inside. It sounded really tired.  
"Uh I wanted to show you somethin'..."  
You just had to show your grandma your sketchbook. You were getting really good at drawing one particular thing lately.  
You heard a bottle of liquid spill from inside, followed by a wet thump of the floor and unceremonius, impending squeaking and sliding. The door handle moved a few times as your grandma, you assume, was trying to grip it, but her hands were too slick with bottle liquid to get a proper purchase on. "Ah fuck it." she concluded. "This is too much effort. I'm going to sleep on the floor."  
"Waitwaitwaitwait!" you squealed. "Hold on hold on I can slide it under the door..."  
Rather than say anything at all she just made some weird snorting noises. Oh thats snoring.  
You ripped a page of dicks off your sketchbook and slid it under the door.  
Fucking yes, classic it's dicks grandma.  
Grandma didn't budge though so you just left her to her beauty sleep. Hopefully she can get some moisture into those wrinkles or whatever. She could use a chapstick.  
You left gleefully to go bother someone else for the time being.

After bludgeoning your genitals for about 15 minutes and taking another shower, you decided to make tea for the Team Fortress Team Turtles. Nobody really knew about Socrates but that was fine. It was Demoman. Actually tea making sucks. Maybe you could ask Medic to make fizzy soda in one of those sciency tubes but putting the tube in your butthole. You just love glass. Its basically the meaning of life and if you arent scooping glass out of your butt and eating it what are you doing? Unless you're just absorbing the nutrients anally. Which is okay. You heard from your science friends that a lot of things can happen in the butthole.

"aaaaye ladiling... .lad ..>>. .LAbradoodle hehgehehe eye. Sseem tae be up eerleh." A beautiful Scottish voice observed.  
"Yeah! Last time the doctah injected me with a "Horse" "Syringe"" you air quoted "full of soda was last night actually. So I'm still uh, very awake. I'm in that chill stage though."  
"Oh, ah get it, ahm SCOUT and I can see taim!"  
"Well yeah you big freakin' beanie boy. I can read clocks. Surprising, I know, but I know what the number 1 looks like and it happens 4 times a day."  
"Oh I'm just messing with you laddie. It's more of a philosophical thing."  
You dunno what that is. "Hhhehehhege yeah philosopeenis. I know that." you say while Nodding along.  
"When I am on my 7th wisky, it's less like things are happening to me, but more I'm just walkin through it at my leisure."  
"Ohoh whisky? Thisky." You hold up a cup of tea.  
"Thanks. I will have."  
Demoman's talented mouth splits into 9 as he sips from every teacup you have set up.  
After they retract and merge into 2 lips again, they turn down. "Fuck that went straight through me. I'm gonna have to pee into 9 different holes. I'll be back in a moment."  
You're left in silent amazement as your handsome and irresponsible teammate leaves for the bathroom. You guess he became an octopus while you weren't looking. It's not the worst thing that could grace your friend circle.  
You're left with the silent steam on the glass dildos suspended from the ceiling slowly fading away. Life is beautiful in its slow moments.

"OOH YEAH Jane hello there. Yes I would love to play burger chess with you right now for the next several hours."  
"It will be incredible!"  
"Aye! Please excuse me Scout. I have some very burger king foot lettuce business to attend to."  
"Hah yeah I know how it is," You say, honestly pretty glad to have your schedule squeaky clean again. "I hope you guys have fun. Save some lettuce for me when youre done ok?"  
"No promises!" Jane said.

"What you dont play dungeons and ding dongs?" You shook your head.  
"Foolish," she wiggled her little toes around.

"Yeah I like doing little quiltie thingies for the community. They say if youre good at something, never do it for free. But all I hear is "I am a potato with little holes in it under a bathtub tap"."  
Thanks, grandma, your unwanted political opinions feel like home.


End file.
